How can such a great day, turn so swiftly into such a disaster?  One minute she’s running to me for “cuddle time” and ready to leave, and then BAM, POW. Something switches. She gets stuck. She has no way of expressing the desire to stay and play with her friends, to continue to explore in the grass, to hunt for ladybugs, to feel the heat on her skin.  The heat on her skin makes her exhausted, more exhausted than she normally would be, after a 10 hour day of aides, tutors, shrinks, and social groups.  

And so, in that moment of internal combat, where we expect an inner dialogue to take place, she just gets STUCK.  And makes the wrong decision.  The decision to NOT LEAVE. To walk the other way. To walk down the dirt hill and as far away from me as she can. To turn her back. And she KNOWS I will not follow.  

I’m trapped, there are kids, teens, adults, teachers, all watching. Watching ME to see what I will do, how I will handle this shut down.  Waiting to see if I will follow her, if I will Make Her Come Back – and exactly HOW.  Except I am stuck too.  Because my instinct is to yell, but that will embarrass ME.  I know she couldn’t care less if her peers are watching HER.  

And it’s the end of the day. I’m tired at 5pm. I’ve been running back and forth since 7am.  It is HOT and I’m sticky and uncomfortable in my clothes. And feeling uber aware that the peeps are watching ME. And whether or not they are judging, I am FEELING judged.  Internally and externally. Because this has taken me off guard, this little exhaustion-stuck-fuck.  And I don’t know what to do, besides lose my cool in front of all these people. And kids.  

To top it off, I still to pick up Little. I can’t be late. Aftercare closes in 40 minutes and it’s a 20 minute drive. We.Have.To.Leave.   As my brain sizzles in the heat in slow motion, I can’t really make an active decision HOW to get her out of the yard, into the car, without a huge scene.

The other kids are watching me.  They are wondering HOW am I going to get Sophia to listen. To come. To Do what she is asked.  No one knows how to get to her in this state.  It’s like talking to a deaf blind mute powerhouse.

The teens ask if they can help. They jump in. They wrangle her, pick her up and carry her across the field.  I pick her up, i’m angry, frustrated, going to lose my cool. Biting my lower lip. Push her into her seat. Hold her down. Make her stay. Which of course, doesn’t work with an 8 year old. She unbuckles. I yell. I drive off a bit. I stop and get out and push her back to her seat. She hits me in the face with her fist – which doesn’t hurt but that is the end of my cool. period.

Dirving off, she does exactly what her dad does when he is mad. She goes to sleep.  Out cold.  

I feel like a bad parent. I changed the schedule on her without warning. I didn’t explain. I LET HER SLIP out of my arms during cuddle time.   I let my guard down on hte expectation that we have a normal, flexible, go with the flow and follow directions kind of kid. HA. Shame on me. 

She slept the whole ride home.  Little was well behaved. We talked about her going on a sleepover. What a differnet world they both live in. How I talk, interact, treat them both. I’m not sure if that is right or wrong. It would be wrong to expect them to act and interact the same way – they are VERY different kids. Am I doing Big a disservice by letting her act the way she does?  

In the end, I don’t always have the answer to how to unstick this kid – at least, in the moment.  I gave her space when we got home. She wrote in her doodle pad how much she Hates her Mom. That to me is a normal 8 year old kid.  She read a book and ate some watermelon, is bouncing on the Bosu – re regulating herself.  She gave me a kiss.  She is now unstuck.